Lets go back in time to December of 2002, and we will return to the Part 3 of my original blog entry for December 25, 2006.

The story of a Catholic Teenager turned Atheist - finale

Silence, Reverence, & Peace…

The hallmarks of a Church. I just wish that the new age understood this before they had decided to take their previously unexpressed teenage angst and inflict it upon the Church and Christianity. I lived and still live amongst Christians. I understand Christianity much better than most of the true believers out there. After spending 12 years in bible classes, many years of church every single day (when I lived in Bahrain) & rest of the years, I visited church only on Sundays (after coming back to India). My knowledge about what I am and what I wanted to become was at a turning point. I had my path chosen already. The path of god. No, I wasn’t going to be a priest. I wanted to be out there helping people. The poor, those who are hungry, those who lack spirit. To give them strength, hopes for a better tomorrow. But my faith was to be put to an ultimate test.

I always came out of church believing that I was blessed, with peace at heart & spirit in my eyes. I wanted to share all of it with the world. I had so much love to give. I placed god above my family, As I never got the love I needed from my god given siblings and parents.

But at my high school, I met people who are very different. I found people who didn’t know god. I knew it was futile to change their perspective. I let my mind free, I kept thinking it over. Why? Why don’t they believe in god? Why don’t they know what I have felt so long? I started to question my beliefs. I went looking for answers to questions that I was afraid to ask. 2 years passed after I first questioned myself.

Christmas of December 2004 - My sense of peace was gone. My preparations seemed useless because I couldn’t honestly pray at the Mass any more. I heard music playing, I understood the words, but isn’t it all…… pointless? There was never any blessings. All I imagined to have existed was fake. I was standing in the church, when I told him, “God, you lied to me”. Knowing so well that there is no god to listed to my words. I looked down on the carpet, I heard people repeating prayers, I felt a pity for them. I decided my path, I had left everything behind. I knew there is no good or evil. There are no sins. I wasn’t afraid anymore. There is nothing to be afraid of! There is no god or a devil! But along with these realizations came my greatest fears. Solitude and Death. the concept of nothingness was hard to accept. I was alone again. I lost a friend, I lost my guardian angel. My hopes of a better life after death just vanished before my eyes. I opened my eyes, I saw a tear fall down from my eyes. I was still looking down at the carpet. I decided to stop - I walked out that door on Christmas night.

Now, for my original post. December 25th Christmas 2006.

I was sleeping without dreams. Its was one of the coldest winters ever in Bahrain. Sleeping tired, still hung over yesterdays work. I was woken up by someone. But by the time I opened my eyes, all I saw was the door to my room slamming shut. I searched for my phone under my pillow, I found it and checked the time. It was 6 in the morning. I hardly got 4 hours of sleep that night. But my parents, or at least my father is strict about going to church. He doesn’t even know about the bible or Christianity like I did at age ten. He is five times that age, and It makes me wonder if he would have made a much better atheist than me, If it wasn’t for the “forceful” religious teachings that he received as a child. Maybe all this was just show for him. But every time I start a roll, he repeats the familiar lines “As long as you live under this roof, You will live by my rules” — but is this his rules that he is following? Does he have a brain of his own? Doesn’t he see me? Does he know me? & I wonder, how he is able to command me because that man never had much role when I grew up. Here I am, to OBEY a man’s rules by just knowing that he is my father. Hard to accept. At least some of you will share my feelings. If not, I don’t care. But DON’T lie that you do. I hate lies.

I got up and dressed preparing for another hour at church. I was still drowsy from all those….. junk ….in my blood, from all that smoking and things I drank last night. I held my head under the tap. The ice cold water flowed down my head and my wet hair covered my eyes. I was slowly coming back to conscience. Minutes passed by, I got dressed, tired of hunger, thirst and the weight of sleep in my eyes. I got something to drink, & I walked out along with my parents. I walked slow, so as to make a distance between me and them. I felt the cold air outside, the wind rushing me along. I held my arms around me, My face and my hands became numb in an instant. Every inch of my exposed skin was frozen within seconds. the church had an upper level, this time we went up the stairs because there were people filled in the lower level already. But not as much as last night. I controlled my anger, I kept thinking how to channel my energy for strengthening myself, or at least to prepare for another argument. I was able to choose a seat for myself since I came in late.

The Mass went on for an hour — I was at the top level, sitting way back with my back against the wall. I had a perfect view of everyone in the church. No one else could see me at the back. After the final song, people were flooding out. As always, I walked out last. There is no point in fighting with my narrow minded parents these days. The more I come to the church, the more I learn, the more I understand the need & no-need for a god. To think differently about some of life’s more enduring mysteries. For an atheist like me, to find the right sort of church would require quite a bit of research and testing.

There is the fact that some atheists may simply not be able to “come out of the closet” and tell people that they are atheists. If they are part of a family, a person cannot avoid attending without signaling to everyone that their beliefs are no longer in sync with everyone’s else’s. And we are treated as a form of betrayal or scandal. If the person reveals that they are in fact an atheist, it might be too much for some to accept, Like my own parents and friends. Rather than deal with so much drama and conflict, some atheists just continue to pretend that they believe and keep up appearances. What does this say about religion if it forces people to lie about themselves in this way? I’m able to think like people who I disagree with. How many of you theists can do that?

I was on my way out, I didn’t see my parents. And from a distance I saw a lady sitting outside the doors of the church. She was an Arab woman, she had a baby clutched in her hands. I felt inside my pocket for some money. I got a single note and I folded it in my hand without looking at its number. I walked out the door, and passed the money into her raised hand. She got hold of one end. To someone passing by, it happened in an instant. But to me, it was more. I looked down into her eyes, her pale blue eyes. it was so weak, I was able to see her face through the black veil. She was so beautiful, but weak, and timid. She pulled her hand in and I let go. she had her baby in the other hand. I felt her strength, weak and shivering with the terrible cold. My heart sank deep. I was in her motherland giving her money, I felt sort of…… guilty. We invade their land like pests. It was something I never felt before. I knew there is no repayment for things I do in this life. This only lasted an instant, but it fired up some thoughts in my mind that will last for a pretty long time. Is this the joy of Christmas? My family, friends, and myself enjoy warm beds and feats at night in Christmas while some of our brethren are out here, hungry for a meal.

I looked up and walked away into the crowd of Christmas shoppers. last 10 seconds left a remarkable impression in my heart. You only get very little time on this planet. Lets not slash and burn. Forget the hatred. Love, unite, understand each other. Friends, stay together. we have differences of color, language, country, religion and tastes. But we are one people. We are humans. We evolved compassion, we evolved love better than any other animal on this planet. Use it.

See the Human, Not the label.

-fin-

Blog picture courtesy: Deviantart.com